he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
