At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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