it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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