I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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