I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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