he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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