i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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