I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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