A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
