last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
How does it feel to date your dad?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
