FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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