thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My bed smells like the plague
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