you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
