My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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