Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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