He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
