I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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