You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Randomize