When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
