Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
