I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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