dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
