Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
