I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
