just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
