why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
