How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
