I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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