The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Enjoy the penises
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
