the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
