Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
