Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize