i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
