Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
