I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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