Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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