I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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