you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
