so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
