Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
only if we run a train.
done.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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