Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
