White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
