You work out of a Hotel?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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