he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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