Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
