cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
