capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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