12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
