I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
