how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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