yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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