What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
