can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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