So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
