When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
