For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Randomize
