Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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