What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
