Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
