I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
