I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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