so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
